standing in my strength

Unconditionally loving and nurturing myself was high on my agenda for mothers day. It's not something I scratch into my weekly timetable of events, figuring that eating healthy, thinking consciously and occupying a present state of being will get me through the short and curlies of life.

Throwing aside my families needs and looking after number one is difficult for me to do. I'm hardwired to look after all in my circle. 

It's a persistent trait handed down through the generations of mothers of mothers of mothers. And journeying in the well grooved path of attachment parenting for the past nine years I've been aware my tanks were veering on the outa control empty side...with a yellow light flashing!

Having high expectations on how I'd like my life to fall into place often lands me in trouble. 

Waiting for others to do as I'd like, rarely turns out the way I've intended, and tired of the routine of blame and martyrdom, I decided to take the day into my own hands. 

Instead of lowering my sights, I've decided to keep my highly positive outlook on life and work on the desired outcome myself.

That's when I booked my sacred feminine yoga retreat, a nurturing all woman retreat falling on a weekend of epic proportions!

Having done some research, and looked into the how-to-do and can-i-fit-it-in bits, I called a family huddle (a bit like a meeting but with a more loving title and perhaps more to the point!) 

I asked if it would be alright if I booked myself into Anahata yoga retreat 

... just for the night. 

I'd be walking into a programme two thirds of the way through, so wouldn't be gone long. 

And I promised to be home after lunch on Mothers day. 

After the initial disappointment that they wouldn't be able to have breakfast in bed and smooches all day with mama, the children moved on quickly to more exciting aspects of their Sunday ... a community meal and celebration, apple picking and hanging out with playmates.

Managing to organise my family's full schedule of weekend delights, I created meals in advance, made a mothers day cake for all to indulge in, organised playdates and football to fall in place, as I crammed in time for myself. 

Knowing I was missing an epic party celebrating a friends 40th and a celebration honouring a friend being initiated into the land we live on, followed by celebrations and rounded off with a community afternoon of apple picking made it easier for the children knowing that they were doing something more fun than watching mama lay around in bed. 

And as I'd made my bed ... I just had to let go and know that I was doing the right thing.

Driving up the never ending road to the sacredness of the mountain, I felt the time restraints clatter behind me, and my wheels took on wings as I left the day to day world to the hazy horizon. The more creeks I crossed and the more farm gates I opened and closed, I allowed myself to settle into a place of nurturing me, challenging myself to transition into woman ...not mama, not wife or friend. 

Just me.

And through massage exchange, meditation, yoga practice, sacred sound, dance and ritual, I found myself longing for more time to be me.

Expanding my heart, opening myself up through silence and intentional thought and creating space through stilling my mind, let me let go, just be me, without any interruptions, excuses or weaning myself off other's expectations.

And when I walked through the orchard on Sunday afternoon to a gaggle of friends of all ages hanging out in the trees, under a beauty-full lit Autumn day, I wholly realised the gift of unconditional love and nurturing. 

My tanks overspilling with gratitude and love, my children hurled themselves at me as a human blanket, my beloved cloaked me with his arms and I fully took in the beauty-full scene of a community coming together, each celebrating the divine feminine as one.